“Am I the best in class?” “Will I ever get anywhere in life?” “I have to make my parents proud” A recent survey conducted showed us that these statements go through an average teens mind almost everyday. They are frequently thinking about whether or not they are going to meet their parents expectations. The teen’s parents state that they know their child better than anyone, but the child says that their parent just doesn’t understand them.
Yup: that’s right, maybe parents don’t always know what’s best.
Most parents believe that, yes, they do know what’s best. They are older, wiser and have more experience. They believe they should have control over their child's life as they know exactly who their child is and it is their “baby” afterall. Studies of behavioural genetics shows that on average people's personalities are half genetically determined and half environmentally, and, the half that is environmentally doesn’t have to be parental. This clearly portrays that children won’t always turn out exactly like their parents.
Indeed, parents tend to get too “attached” to their child. So when they start to grow up and want some freedom their parents feel guilty. They feel like they’ve done something wrong that is pushing their child out, when it’s really just that their child is growing up and wants some freedom to go out and explore.
“Children today have many wonderful opportunities, but they need time to explore things in depth. When they are involved in too many different things they sacrifice depth for breadth”. says Peggy Patten, an early childhood specialist. Patten explores the idea of children having too much breadth and not enough depth. What children really need is a few activities that they are really passionate about, not doing every activity and exploring none of them in depth.
The truth is parents only want what's best for their child. When parents ask their child to try out a new sport or activity in school they have never done it is probably because they regret not trying it out and want their child to have the chance to. But if the child does not like the activity, it is unfair if their parents force them to continue because parents are making their child live the life they never got a chance to live.
The goals expectations and advice can be helpful, and be a guide for kids. But when parents force kids to changes their interests or passion, children start to lose faith in themselves, in their own judgement of what is right. Being a good parent is to know when to stop pushing. "Kevin doesn't have any stress. He loves everything he's doing." said a mother of an overscheduled and almost clinically depressed child. But in actuality Kevin missed playing with his friends in the neighbourhood, riding bikes, having water-balloon fights and just generally being a kid.
Adding on the the previous evidence about parents involving their kids in too many activities. This suggests that yes, parents sometimes don’t realise that they are pressuring their kid. They want their child to have the best possible childhood. The mother later added on saying “My parents, never did anything for me, I want Kevin to know that I am there for him, he is going to have a good childhood no matter what it takes.” This clearly illustrates the fact that, parents do want what's best for their children, but they have to realize when it is going over the line, when it’s just too much.
Even after all this research it’s surprising that parents are still pushing kids, in fact, ⅘ teens say that they are in an activity that their parent has forced upon them. And at least 75% of teens find their parents very clingy, a student from UWCSEA says that her mother often makes annual school expeditions about her instead. “My mum makes the trips I go on, hers. It’s like, no longer MY trip.” Again adding on to Parents wanting what’s best for their kids. This is an example of parents trying to live vicariously through their children.
One middle school student shared her experience with us. Sitting at her usual spot at school practicing the cello. Something that is part of her daily routine now, she turned to us and thought out loud. “Is this really something I love?” “Is it my true passion.” Am I only doing this for her. She said referring to her mum. Parents tend to force children to do things they never got a chance to do. 4 out of every 5 children believe that their parents want them to do things they missed on on during their childhood. Now you might be thinking, well of course parents will want their children to try things they never got a chance to do because that's what they think is best for their children. But if this means changing a child’s passion. Then it is wrong.
Yes of course parents will always want to do what's best for their child. They want to make sure that their children get to try out everything so that they can choose what they want to do and not feel like they missed out on anything. They will always want their child to have to best opportunity to live their life and not feel like they could have explored more. But is this really the best option?
Parents should try and sit down with your child sometimes, make sure they’re doing ok. Ask them if they feel like it’s just a little too much for them to handle. Let them do the things they really want to do and explore. Having this chat with their children a few times a month will help them. It will also help their child feel like their parents still care , and that they’re not just doing it for the sake of doing it.
Maybe we don’t need to give our children all these opportunities, maybe it is just confusing them even more. Try and introduce them to a few things and then let them make that decisions of delving deep into it or just having it there for fun. After all their personality is only half determined by genetics.
Yup: that’s right, maybe parents don’t always know what’s best.
Most parents believe that, yes, they do know what’s best. They are older, wiser and have more experience. They believe they should have control over their child's life as they know exactly who their child is and it is their “baby” afterall. Studies of behavioural genetics shows that on average people's personalities are half genetically determined and half environmentally, and, the half that is environmentally doesn’t have to be parental. This clearly portrays that children won’t always turn out exactly like their parents.
Indeed, parents tend to get too “attached” to their child. So when they start to grow up and want some freedom their parents feel guilty. They feel like they’ve done something wrong that is pushing their child out, when it’s really just that their child is growing up and wants some freedom to go out and explore.
“Children today have many wonderful opportunities, but they need time to explore things in depth. When they are involved in too many different things they sacrifice depth for breadth”. says Peggy Patten, an early childhood specialist. Patten explores the idea of children having too much breadth and not enough depth. What children really need is a few activities that they are really passionate about, not doing every activity and exploring none of them in depth.
”Parents think their kids will grow up and remember all the wonderful activities they were involved in.” says Melanie Coughlin, a licensed marriage and family therapist. This offers evidence of parents not really knowing what their child is going through. Coughlin later added “They will really only remember how exhausted they were and their parents yelling at them to get ready for the next activity,” and so it becomes even more clear that parents don’t always make the right decisions.
The truth is parents only want what's best for their child. When parents ask their child to try out a new sport or activity in school they have never done it is probably because they regret not trying it out and want their child to have the chance to. But if the child does not like the activity, it is unfair if their parents force them to continue because parents are making their child live the life they never got a chance to live.
The goals expectations and advice can be helpful, and be a guide for kids. But when parents force kids to changes their interests or passion, children start to lose faith in themselves, in their own judgement of what is right. Being a good parent is to know when to stop pushing. "Kevin doesn't have any stress. He loves everything he's doing." said a mother of an overscheduled and almost clinically depressed child. But in actuality Kevin missed playing with his friends in the neighbourhood, riding bikes, having water-balloon fights and just generally being a kid.
Adding on the the previous evidence about parents involving their kids in too many activities. This suggests that yes, parents sometimes don’t realise that they are pressuring their kid. They want their child to have the best possible childhood. The mother later added on saying “My parents, never did anything for me, I want Kevin to know that I am there for him, he is going to have a good childhood no matter what it takes.” This clearly illustrates the fact that, parents do want what's best for their children, but they have to realize when it is going over the line, when it’s just too much.
Even after all this research it’s surprising that parents are still pushing kids, in fact, ⅘ teens say that they are in an activity that their parent has forced upon them. And at least 75% of teens find their parents very clingy, a student from UWCSEA says that her mother often makes annual school expeditions about her instead. “My mum makes the trips I go on, hers. It’s like, no longer MY trip.” Again adding on to Parents wanting what’s best for their kids. This is an example of parents trying to live vicariously through their children.
One middle school student shared her experience with us. Sitting at her usual spot at school practicing the cello. Something that is part of her daily routine now, she turned to us and thought out loud. “Is this really something I love?” “Is it my true passion.” Am I only doing this for her. She said referring to her mum. Parents tend to force children to do things they never got a chance to do. 4 out of every 5 children believe that their parents want them to do things they missed on on during their childhood. Now you might be thinking, well of course parents will want their children to try things they never got a chance to do because that's what they think is best for their children. But if this means changing a child’s passion. Then it is wrong.
Yes of course parents will always want to do what's best for their child. They want to make sure that their children get to try out everything so that they can choose what they want to do and not feel like they missed out on anything. They will always want their child to have to best opportunity to live their life and not feel like they could have explored more. But is this really the best option?
Parents should try and sit down with your child sometimes, make sure they’re doing ok. Ask them if they feel like it’s just a little too much for them to handle. Let them do the things they really want to do and explore. Having this chat with their children a few times a month will help them. It will also help their child feel like their parents still care , and that they’re not just doing it for the sake of doing it.
Maybe we don’t need to give our children all these opportunities, maybe it is just confusing them even more. Try and introduce them to a few things and then let them make that decisions of delving deep into it or just having it there for fun. After all their personality is only half determined by genetics.
I like what you say about personalities only being half genetic because it clearly shows that while some parents may believe that they can decide their child personality, that statistic clearly goes against that. Do you have any personal experiences with this?
ReplyDeleteThanks Megha :)
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